Marriage vs. Cohabitation

I am currently taking a marriage prep class for my major at BYU-Idaho.  This week we have been talking about how important commitment is to a relationship.  In our society we have seen an increase of couples who choose to live together prior to marriage.  This is often seen as a trial marriage to test the waters of marriage without the commitment.  Some may suggest that this is beneficial and would create stronger marriages, but the research clearly indicates that cohabitation doesn’t lead to stronger marriages.  For my class we have been reading, How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk, by John Van Epp.  He outlines several reasons why it is important to forgo cohabitation and exercise faith in the marriage commitment.  I want to share a few quotes from his book in support of marriage.

1. “Marital commitment by definition, includes faith and risk.  You cannot practice or test this type of commitment.” (pg. 280).
2. “…those who practice marriage by premarital cohabitation are actually less effective in marriage than those who take the leap of faith from singlehood into matrimony.”(pg.278)
3. “The final step of making a commitment to marry does involve risk and require greater responsibility, but it must be taken to gain a greater sense of security and oneness in the quality of your relationship.” (pg. 281)

Marriage does require faith, and there is always a risk in putting your trust in a potential spouse.  However, if you want to have a successful marriage, you need to make a commitment to marriage, not just a practice commitment with a built in escape clause.

Check out Van Epp’s book here:http://www.amazon.com/How-Avoid-Falling-Love-Jerk/dp/0071548424/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1457489770&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+avoid+falling+in+love+with+a+jerk

An interview with my parents

I was raised in a great home with loving parents who taught me the gospel and helped my to become the person that I am today.  My parents weren’t strict, but I knew what was expected of me.  They were always there to guide me and help me when I needed them.  For my class, I chose to interview my parents about their parenting style.

What influenced your parenting style

• Our love for our children and our desire to raise our children to love the gospel, develop a testimony and live the commandments.  We also raised our children the way that Dad was raised.  Not too strict, but everyone knew the rules.

What is your parenting style?

• Not overly strict, but our children always knew what we expected of them.  We wanted our children to have fun and we tried not to get too serious.  We allowed our children to learn from their mistakes, but we were always there to give direction and help them through.
• Mom:  I learned from my mother that it is OK to make mistakes and I tried to be that way as a mother too.  To be patient with my children and allow them to make mistakes.

What were your objectives as parents?

• We wanted to raise our children to become strong and independent adults.  We wanted to raise kids that would grow to be active in the church, serve missions, be married in the temple, be educated, develop good life skills and be able to raise families of their own.  We wanted our boys to be worthy priesthood holders.  We wanted our children to set good goals and be surrounded by positive peer pressures.

How do you believe that you followed your own ideal?

• We feel like we did a pretty good job.  As parents, we always saw eye to eye on parenting.  We were on the same page.  Our children have all grown to become adults that we are very proud of.

What were your greatest challenges as parents?

• Dad: Not showing enough love and affection.  I felt like I didn’t give enough hugs or tell my kids that I loved them.  I didn’t come from an overly affectionate home, so that didn’t come naturally.  (For the record, I always knew that my dad loved us…without a doubt!)
• Mom: It was challenging to not always know what to do.  It was also a challenge as a mother to feel like there were never enough hours to get everything done.

What are your greatest joys as parents?

• Dad: We have 5 of them! (His children)
• Seeing our children grow to be successful adults and having families of their own and watching them do the same things with their children.  We are blessed with our grandchildren and they bring us joy.  Our children all had good friends, good values and good education.  Looking back we can see all the blessings that have come to our children through prayer.  It brings us joy to see our children progress through their covenants of baptism and temple marriage and to see our sons as worthy priesthood holders.

Thanks Mom and Dad!

Happiness in family life

Two views on happiness in family life.  One secular and the other spiritual.  Both offer great ways that we can experience happiness in family life.

I found an article written by Kenneth N. Condrell Ph.D Child Psychologist.  He gave 5 tips to finding happiness in family life.  His tips were:

1. Parents that endorse each other are happier.  They convey to their children that they respect and love their spouse.

2. Happy families value their extended family.

3. They schedule time to plan and carry out fun activities to do together.

4. In happy families, parents set the example of giving compliments.  They compliment each other as well as their children.  Children will then follow that example.

5. Parents are careful with their language.  They do not use sarcasm, cutting remarks, or bad language.  They are careful with their criticism.

I really enjoyed this article and the advice that was given.  I felt that the counsel given was very much in line with the proclamation on the family.  I definitely can see value to what was presented in the article, and I believe that these 5 tips could increase love and happiness within a family.

In comparison, I chose to read an article by Thomas S. Monson.  It was a First Presidency Message from the Ensign from October 2001.  The title is “Hallmarks of a Happy Home”.  In this article, President Monson teaches us that happy homes are built on 4 things.

1. Prayer. President Monson counsels that in adaptation to our personal prayer, families need to pray together.

2. Learning.  Our homes should be filled with good books and we should seek learning. Parents are encouraged to read to their children. Parents should be an open book of learning for their children.  Their children should be able to look to them and desire to follow their examples.

3. Love.  Children need to feel the love of their family.  President Monson counseled parents to “choose your love; love your choice.” Parents need to be committed to the success of their marriage and be willing to forgive and apologize as need be.  Children should also see their parents love and serve others around them.

4. Testimony.  Our homes should be a place where we teach the gospel and grow in our testimonies.

The counsel given in these two articles were very different, but I feel that both had value and I gained insight from each of them to help me strengthen my family and increase happiness in our family life.  One insight that I gained from both of them was that we need to be focused on our families and that happiness in family life is dependent on our actions.  We need to put forth effort and have a desire to work hard on these relationships that are so valuable to us.  I shared what I learned with my husband and our children.  We discussed ways that we can implement the counsel given in both of these articles to increase happiness within our own family.

Becoming equal parnters

“Temple marriage covenants do not magically bring equality to a partnership. Those covenants commit us to a developmental process of learning and growing together—by practice.

“. . . Equal partnerships are not made in heaven—they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time. And getting there is hard work.”

Bruce C. Hafen, “Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners,” Ensign, Aug. 2007, 28

I love this quote.  We cannot neglect our marriages and assume that we can have a celestial marriage if we are not working on it.  It doesn’t just happen, and it is not a guarantee.

What are you doing to make your marriage strong?  That is a question that I am pondering today.

Traditions

For my Family Proclamation class, I chose to make a list of our family’s traditions and categorize them as formal or informal.  The idea of the project was to look at the traditions that are currently in place and see if there were any the needed to be discontinued.  Elder Hallstrom said this about family traditions in his conference talk from October, 2000:

Unwanted traditions are those which lead us away from performing holy ordinances and keeping sacred covenants. Our guide should be the doctrine taught by the scriptures and the prophets. Traditions which devalue marriage and family, abase women or do not recognize the majesty of their God-given roles, honor temporal success more than spiritual, or teach that reliance upon God is a weakness of character, all lead us away from eternal truths.

Of all the traditions we should cultivate within ourselves and our families, a “tradition of righteousness” should be preeminent.

Our traditions:

Formal

• Family prayer each night before bed
• Family scripture study each night before bed
• Prayers before dinner
• Family Home Evening on Monday nights
• Special birthday dinners.  The birthday boy/girl gets to choose what and where to eat.
• 7-11 a fun game that we play each Thanksgiving.
• Christmas eve dinner.  We have a fancy dinner followed by a nativity reading with Christmas carols
• Christmas eve pajamas and a book for each child
• The pickle ornament.  Santa hides a pickle ornament  on our Christmas tree on Christmas Eve.  The person who finds the pickle receives a special gift.
• Father’s blessings before the start of each school year.
• Sunday’s are missionary prep days for the boys.  They are in charge of cleaning up the kitchen and doing the dishes after dinner.  They practice skills that they will need to have when they are on their own in the mission field.
• Family trip to Utah each summer to spend time with family and cousins.
• Special Valentines dinner as a family with heart shaped pizza.

Informal

• Homemade pizza once a week
• Play would you rather at dinner time
• Saturday morning donuts
• Everyone reports the best part of their day at family dinner
• holiday baking
• Mom and Dad tuck each boy in bed at night with hugs, kisses, and the bedbug phrase
  

  Goodnight, sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. If they do, swat them with your shoe and they’ll turn black and blue and I love you!…Me too!

• Donuts before our drive to Utah

Some traditions that we want to implement

• Hike the Y every summer
• Celebrate “Boxing Day” the day after Christmas.  My husband served his mission in England and it would be fun to bring an English tradition into our home.
• Cookie dates.  Weekly couples counsel while enjoying cookies.  My instructor shared this idea with us in my Family Proclamation class.  What a fun way to connect with your spouse, discuss marriage and parenting issues and also just enjoy spending time together.

This is a great article about family traditions with a list of traditions that you can implement into your own families.

Provident Providers

Work and self reliance

The Family: A Proclamation to the World states:

Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.

From this we learn that as parents, it is our duty to provide and care for our children.  To take care of their physical and spiritual needs.  We also need to teach them to love and serve one another.  I think that part of that is teaching them the skills that they need to be self-reliant so that they can then love and serve others.  President Marion G. Romney said this:

“Without self-reliance one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we give if there is nothing
there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty shelves. Money to assist the needy cannot come from an empty purse. Support and understanding cannot come
from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from the spiritually weak.”

In order for us and our children to be able to love and serve others, we must first learn to care and provide for ourselves.

I believe that it is so important to serve and give to others.  The mentality of the world today seems to be “what’s in it for me?”,  “What do I get out of it?” or “How can I get more stuff with as little effort as possible”?  In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we are taught to be self-reliant.  Work is viewed as a gift and many blessings come to us as we strive to work hard to support and care for ourselves, our families and others in need.  I believe that we can keep our children from the entitlement trap by teaching them to be self-reliant, developing gratitude and cultivating a good work ethic.

Elder L. Tom Perry said this,

“I am convinced there are thousands of ways for families to build self-reliance by working together in productive pursuits. Perhaps a good family home evening discussion could produce some ideas to help make your family unit more temporally self-reliant.”

L. Tom Perry, “Becoming Self-Reliant,” Ensign, Nov. 1991, 66

I have created a FHE lesson in response to Elder Perry’s suggestion to discuss with our families ways to become more self-reliant.  It can be found here.

As I was studying this topic of self-reliance, I came across this quote:

“All honest work is the work of God.”

–D. Todd Christopherson

This quote really puts into perspective the mundane tasks that mother’s often perform.  Hard work is valuable, but sometimes it feels unappreciated.  I love this quote because it reminds me that even when I am sweeping the floor for the tenth time, or tackling the never ending laundry pile, or cooking yet another meal, or kissing a scuffed up knee, I am doing the work of God.  It is what we are meant to do and we can find joy and self-worth in these tasks.

Crucible experiences

One of the things that I have learned this semester is that we all face challenges.  Challenges have the ability to shape us and refine us and ultimately make us more like our Heavenly Father.  We read about crucible challenges.  In order to understand that term, we need to look at what a crucible is.  A crucible is a bowl or container that can withstand very high heat.  For a learning activity for my class, I discussed crucible experiences with my husband and 10 year old son.  We talked about what crucible experiences are and how if we weather them well, they have the ability to shape us and mold us into better, more christ-like people.  We talked about various challenges that we have faced and we talked about how our attitudes and response to those experiences can either make them more or less challenging.    Our response to them can also determine how much we grow through our experiences.  Most of the time we cannot control what challenges we will face, but we can in response to those challenges seek guidance and strength from our Heavenly Father, look for tender mercies and have an attitude of gratitude for the blessings that we enjoy even in the midst of our trials.  My son reminded me that
we can allow our families to help us through our struggles, we don’t
have to go through our trials alone.   He also reminded me that we will
be blessed through our obedience to do what the Lord asks of us even if
it is hard.   We discussed that often times we fight our challenges and like the scriptures teach us we often kick against the pricks, but instead of fighting them, we should ask God for the strength to overcome them.  We discussed the people of Alma and their challenges of being in bondage.  I have always been impressed that even though their challenges were difficult, they did not ask God to take them away from them.  Instead they prayed for the strength to get through them.  I think that this is a good
reminder for us that we shouldn’t always pray for our challenges to be lifted, because there is value to our challenges.  We all need to be tried and tested, but Heavenly Father will give us the strength to overcome if we put our faith and trust in him and then remain obedient to his commandments.  One last way that we discussed how our response to challenges can help us is through gratitude.  We have a lady in our ward who has been battling
breast cancer.  Her survival rate is pretty low, but she is strong and
faithful and a wonderful example to me of someone who controls her response to her challenge.  In the midst of her very difficult trial, she has faithfully posted updates on facebook recognizing her blessings.  She has chosen to look for the things in her life that she is grateful for rather than focus on her challenges.  It has been an amazing lesson for me that no matter what we may be facing, there is always something to be thankful for.

This is a really great talk about adversity.  In response to some gloom and frustration Elder Baxter was feeling about a particular trial, his son reminded him that we can choose to be happy.  He stated: ““Well, Dad, I have always thought that happiness is a decision.”  I think that that is an important thing for us to keep in mind.  Even though we may face trials and difficulties, we can still choose to be happy!

Another great article about crucible experiences.

Marriage

“…marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” The Family: A proclamation to the World

We all want a happy marriage.  But marriage takes time and effort and dedication.  As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we believe that marriage and families can be eternal through the blessings of the temple.  As such, marriage is a covenant, not just an act or a social custom.  Elder David. A Bednar spoke about The Covenant Marriage Relationship.  He states:

We have been counseled strongly by the First Presidency to devote our best efforts to the strengthening of marriage and the home. Such instruction has never been more needed in the world than it is today, as the sanctity of marriage is attacked and the importance of the home is undermined.

How do we devote our best efforts to strengthening marriage and home?

Elder Bednar teaches that a covenant marriage includes The husband, the wife and the Savior.  He states:

The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily “come unto Christ” and strive to be “perfected in Him”

*marriage covenant

Couples must be committed to each other and to God.  As couples remain connected and devoted to one another and as they individually strive to draw nearer to the Savior, they inevitably draw closer to one another.  I believe that we need to intentionally focus on our spouse and seek for ways to make them happy.  We need to be willing to listen to them and make changes in ourselves and in our relationship for the benefit of each other.  Gordon B. Hinckley said the following:

If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce. Argument would never be heard. Accusations would never be leveled. Angry explosions would not occur. Rather, love and concern would replace abuse and meanness.

There is no room for selfishness in marriage.  We need to love and care for one another.  We need to develop a strong friendship and create positive interactions with one another.  In this talk by Douglas Brinley from the Ensign he outlines 10 things that we can do to strengthen our marriages.  I highly suggest that you read it with your spouse and look for ways that you can implement these things into your relationship.

1. Have positive conversations
2. show affection
3. Remember that you are each other’s therapists.
4. Be humble and cultivate Christlike attributes.
5. Date frequently.
6. Enrich your intimacy.
7. Spend time with children and grandchildren
8. Seek feedback and help each other.
9. Eliminate anger.
10. Be sensitive to each other’s stress levels.

He then offers a few additional things:

1. Kneel together in prayer morning and night to call down the powers of heaven to bless your marriage.
2. Study the scriptures individually and as a family.
3. Attend the temple together regularly.

A happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.”If you want a happy marriage, do what happily married couples do.–Gordon B. Hinckley

Equal partners in marriage

Husbands and wives each have specific roles within the family.  While they are different, they are each of great importance.  One is not more important than the other.  Husbands and wives must work together as equal partners.  “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” states:

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.

Let’s take a look at what our individual roles are and how we can help one another as equal partners.  I discussed this with my husband, and we came up with a list of responsibilities that we each have and then we discussed ways that we can help each other. I encourage everyone to do this with their spouse.  I realize that every situation is different and it really is beneficial to see in your own relationship how you can help each other in with your duties and roles in the family.

The roles of the husband:

Fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.

How wives can help their husbands:

• Pray for them.

“I give counsel to husbands and wives. Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.”

Henry B. Eyring,

• Treat them with mildness, love and affection.  We can be a refuge from the stresses of the world.  We can be a smiling face and a warm embrace when they walk through the door at the end of a busy day.

President Joseph Smith counseled the Relief Society to “Teach women how to behave towards their husbands, to treat them with mildness and affection.  When a man is borne down with trouble, when he is perplexed with care and difficulty, if he can meet a smile instead of an argument or a murmur-if he can meet with mildness, it will calm down his soul and soothe his feelings; when the mind is going to despair, it needs a solace of affection and kindness.

• Take time to cultivate a relationship with your husband.  Put his needs first.

“I know it is hard for you young mothers to believe that almost before you can turn around the children will be gone and you will be alone with your husband. You had better be sure you are developing the kind of love and friendship that will be delightful and enduring. Let the children learn from your attitude that he is important. Encourage him. Be kind. It is a rough world, and he, like everyone else, is fighting to survive. Be cheerful. Don’t be a whiner.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley, Small and Simple Things

• Encourage and as for Priesthood blessings
• Make time for Family Home Evening, scripture study and family prayer.
• Be careful with the family finances.

1. Exercise restraint
2. Don’t be wasteful (eat or freeze leftovers, use up food before it goes bad)
3. Don’t expect things that you can’t afford.  Work together to live within your means
4. Do things for ourselves if we can to save money, i.e. haircuts, home improvement, home decor, preschool at home (saves money and provides nurturing time, thus strengthening both parents roles.)

• Be respectful of their priesthood authority.  Listen to their concerns and ideas regarding the family and the raising of children.
• Say thank you often

The role of wives:

Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.

How Husbands can help their wives:

• Pray for their wives

• Help manage and keep up the home.
• Help discipline the children
• Spend time reading with their children
• Help the children with their homework
• Play with the children
• Take time off of work to spend with their families
• Be available
• Seek for teaching opportunities with their children.  Offer fatherly advice and counsel
• Provide opportunities for their wives to take a “break”  encourage her in her hobbies and provided opportunities for her to take care of herself.  (hobbies, exercise, time alone to regroup)
• Take her out on dates
• Counsel with her about the children and what is going on in the family.
• Say thank you often

While our roles are very different, they are both necessary and important for the good of the family.

I really enjoyed this talk by Elder Bruce C. Hafen.

In it he states:

equal partnerships are not made in heaven—they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time. And getting there is hard work

He then asks this question:

Young wife, do you see in him someone who has worked all day to bring sustenance to your table? Young husband, do you see in her someone who has worked all day to make nourishment of that sustenance? Can you both see beyond the doing of the day and remember the inestimable worth of the being to whom you are married?

Equal partnership is about love and concern for each other.  It is about being selfless and striving to strengthen and care for one another.  It does take time and effort, but as we follow the counsel of the Proclamation, our families and marriages can be strengthened.  It is worth the time and effort.

Equal Partners worksheet